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I still remember after that whisper accident, your friends scolded you for being rude. During the session, I was holding back my tears, not going to show everyone, especially you.
You probably don't know how it feels to be humiliated in front of everyone by someone's rejection, but I felt it before, and I do feel it now. Again. Silly, how someone who knew the whole story, did the same.
We left the room, your friends came to me, trying to distract me from what happened. Well, most of your best friends are my friends too so I genuinely joke around with them. You're following us from behind.
I don't know if you realize how hurtful that was, but you seem... okay. No regrets, nothing. Just the usual you.
"Uh guys I have to go to the library, I want to return a book that's due today. Bye" I was glad I'm carrying my book everywhere I went that day.
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I still remember that day when I got home, I threw everything away. Your notebooks, our pictures in my phone, your number. Everything. I guess this is what people said, time to move on, or in my case, loving you in silence.
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I still remember when the camp day was coming, I ignored you completely. I was too caught up with the whole activities, I forget you were there. Life brings me back to reality when we have to do the dishes together.
Maybe if that day was today, I would turn on my music loudly and easily, ignoring you. But no, we're still far behind from all those music platforms.
"Here let me help yo-" oh cut the crap.
"Nope, thanks. Still have my own hands to do it."
"Okay then." and you left.
I don't know if you're trying to break the ice or pretending that you're the perfect man since the teachers are watching, but that wasn't cute. At all.
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I still remember the next morning, we're told to be in a group formed with different students. If that was my old self, I would creepily follow you from behind, but no. I purposely choose my team that formed with complete strangers. There are 6 of them, 7 with me. I knew one girl that, turns out, we went to the same elementary school together.
"I was so glad I found someone from my old school! I guess I've seen you somewhere I keep wondering!"
She's so nice, with glasses and curly hair, tanned skin, the perfect one.
"I feel like I've seen you somewhere too, but I don't know where!"
We became best friends instantly.
She introduced me to her school mates. They're so kind. One of her friends is so sweet, he voluntarily helped me with the chores that evening.
"I saw you talking with her, she's quite hard to make friends with, so I guess you're that good to be qualified as her friend, so we're friends from now on, okay?" He said.
He's that basketball team but straight A type of student. Easy going and so easy to lead his team.
"Okay then. Friends." We shake hands.
The whole session on day 2 was so fun. I remember our team accidentally facing each other. Long short stories, your team lost.
That was satisfying, to see you losing.
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I still remember we had sort of a spooky night, to lose our tensions and wrap up the whole 2 days with fun. We need to be paired in two, walking throughout the campsite with only one small lighter. I was paired with my new friend, the curly hair girl. We were screaming and laughing and teasing each other.
But when our lighter went off out of nowhere, suddenly there's a light under our feet.
"Use this."
While giving us your lighter.
"Thanks, but no. Just walk behind us if you want to help with the lights. That would be great."
My curly best friend was surprised by my reaction. Your teammate too. I don't know about you, I don't want to pay anymore attention to you.
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I still remember after I was hanging out with them, I completely forgot about you. Those 3 days were the best days of my life.
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I still remember that everyone was teasing me with this new guy I met. Well honestly, I consider him as my teammates and friend only.
On the last day before we went home, my new guy friend asked me to meet him.
"Uh so I'm so sorry about the rumors" he apologized for something that he cannot control. What a gentleman, I think.
"No, it's fine. Don't be bothered by it!"
"Thanks! But can I tell you something?"
Oh no. Not again.
"Sure. What's up?"
He seems so hesitant.
"I want to ask her out next week, you know we've been so close since first grade. Do you think she'll be okay with that?"
Thank goodness.
"OH MY GOD I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK! Do it. You guys share mutual feelings."
That's true. It was a secret before, but since he confessed, it means that both had mutual feelings so I guess it's safe to let him know.
"How did you know??"
"She told me yesterday. Go ask her out now before it's too late!"
Yeah, before everything went down to the sink and disappeared.
"You're the best! Thanks for the advice, I'll text her now! Uh by the way, I heard some rumors about you too, from your schoolmates. They're scolding this one guy and seem so mad about it. I eavesdropped on their conversation during lunch."
"Oh really? Do you mind sharing it with me?" I was so ashamed.
"I'm so so sorry for eavesdropping but they said something like "she's your best friend, you don't have to be that rude, talk with her nicely." And then this one guy said "I just want to push her off, dude. I hate this too!" They mentioned your name so I guess you should know this too."
You hate what? Who's hating what here?
"Wait, that's the guy! The one who wants to push you off!" He pointed across the field. You.
...
I got a text message that day after I got home that my 2 new best friends are officially dating. Maybe people are right. A man and a woman can't just be a best friend without one or both of them falling in love with one another.
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I still remember after those 3 days, my old crush apologized to me for his words. We became friends and closer after that. I no longer have feelings for him, so we purely become friends in my defence. You? I'm still avoiding you. I don't want to be in the same room with you. Just don't want to have anything together accidentally or not. But it's school anyway, and we can't control things.
You've changed, in a good way or another I don't know.
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I still remember how you protected me from your classmates' dirty jokes. Well, I do have a really bad temper and can easily punch someone in their face. I was kinda shocked about it, but I pretend that I don't care.
One day, one of your classmates came to me while I’m outside in front of your class, waiting for my friend.
“Hi there, pretty. Let’s have lunch together.” he said while holding my hand and flirting with me.
I was about to go on with it, it’s a joke anyway and we’re kinda close with each other so I don’t really mind about it, but you came out from the class and pulled him away from me.
“Yeah yeah let’s have lunch together with me instead, I can satisfy you.”
But that disturbs me. You didn’t take a glance at me even once. I don’t know if you’re bothered by him teasing me, or you’re bothered by my existence there, but I’m not gonna be swayed by it and am going to give you more attention.
“Did you see that????” my friend asked me.
“See what?” I ask her back, pretending that I don’t know.
“THAT! Just happened right in front of your two big eyes!”
“Nope. Nothing’s happening. You’re going to the library, right? Let’s go then. We can spare 10 minutes after that to go buy something for lunch, I’m soooo hungry!`` Then I went first to the library while she’s following me. She knew that I don’t want to talk about it, to talk about you anymore.
…
When people know about how close we were and how deep my love for you, they will say that things are getting better, at least for both of us. We’re making progress. But no, it’s still the same for me. You’re still the heartless dork, and the wound caused by your words won’t be easily healed.
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I still remember how I realized that things started to get better between us. But I don’t want to conclude it too soon. I want to see where things are going naturally. The time I spent seeing you around is a little less than I used to. I’m too ashamed of everything I did and I’m too ashamed to face you again. I’m afraid that my actions could cause everything to get worse.